Kari Anne Roy did something unspeakably evil to her six-year-old boy. I can hardly contain my revulsion as I write about her abusive behavior. She actually let her child play outside. Without direct adult supervision! Call CPS immediately!

A very thoughtful and kindly neighbor saw the negligent parent’s boy playing a few feet from his house, and considerate of all the dangerous people living in the suburban utopia, this neighbor led the boy back to his house and severely reprimanded Roy. But that wasn’t enough for this conscientious neighbor. She wasn’t sure that Roy had learned her lesson and turned from her wicked ways.

So later that day, the neighbor called the police. A policewoman showed up at the house to make sure the diabolical Mrs. Roy wasn’t doing some other dangerous thing with the kids—like allowing them to make their own sandwiches, sleep in bunk beds, or go barefoot in the house.

And just to be sure, CPS showed up at Roy’s house later to interview the kids separately. They asked Roy’s eight year-old daughter if she has ever looked at pornography. She didn’t know what that was, so they explained it to her. CPS asked Roy’s twelve-year-old if he had ever done drugs. You know, they came into the house and spread wholesomeness all around.

After all was said and done, CPS found no reason to take the kids. This time. But Roy, who probably wants to hide her vast criminal conspiracy, asked the CPS investigator what she could do to avoid these kinds of visits in the future. The response:

“Don’t let your kids play outside.”

Well, that’s just fantastic advice. I sure am glad CPS and the nosy neighbor are around to help us parents. Otherwise, what would we do with ourselves? We’d probably have well-adjusted kids who know how to take care of themselves and don’t exist like porn-addicted, drug-using vampires. And what would our nation look like then?