I recently saw a Christmas e-greeting from the Greater Memphis Region chapter of Planned Parenthood, and I was appalled and outraged to see that they had replaced “Merry Christmas” with “Happy Holidays.” I don’t know about you, but I feel like this replacement is just another emblem of the Christian culture cleansing of the West. It’s just another notice that political correctness is erasing all the external signs of Christianity from society. It’s yet another token that unbelievers are trying to secularize what was once our great Christian nation’s greatest Christian celebration.

I can tell you that I will not be supporting an organization that is obviously dead set on removing Christ from Christmas. Before this, I regularly contributed to Planned Parenthood in spite of the fact that they regularly slaughter unborn babies. That bothered me a little, but aside from their callous disregard for the lives of the innocent, Planned Parenthood really is the most convenient place for a lot of women in urban areas to find women’s healthcare. But no more. This is the last straw.

So, in order to prank Planned Parenthood, I scheduled an abortion at the Greater Memphis Planned Parenthood, but I put in my girlfriend’s name as “Merry Christmas.” When they called her back to scrape out her uterus of all our combined genetic promise, the unwitting employee at Planned Parenthood said, “Merry Christmas, they’re ready for you now.” Ha! I sure showed them.

After the therapeutic procedure that preemptively erased the futures of countless human generations, I took my girlfriend to Starbucks to get a Venti, peppermint and pumpkin spice, lo-fat, non-dairy creamer, stevia-sweetened, half-decaf, mocha pseudo-latte.

And guess what? It’s another casualty of the war on Christmas! Instead of including snowflakes, ornaments, and reindeer (all clearly Christian symbols of the hope of the resurrection), Starbucks has instead opted for the mere drabbest of Christmas lip service: plain red cups and a plain green Starbucks logo. I don’t think so, Starbucks. You’re not getting away with plain traditional Christmas colors. I see what you’re trying to do here.

And I’m not going to stand for it anymore. It didn’t really bother me that the CEO of Starbucks told me not to buy his coffee if I didn’t agree with same-sex marriage. It didn’t really bother me that Starbucks gives millions to anti-Christian causes. It didn’t bother me that I can make a much better cup of coffee at home for far less money, or that my friend at church started a high-quality local coffee shop that supports local artists and charities. None of that bothers me. But this plain red cup business is a bridge too far. Seeing how Starbucks and Planned Parenthood are both making war on Christmas (they’re probably in bed together on this one, folks), I won’t be supporting Starbucks or Planned Parenthood until they bring back the superficial earmarks of the hollow vestiges of our once Christian society. Because if Christians don’t stand up for the important things, it won’t be long before we lose all credibility and relevance to society.

******* Just in case you didn’t catch it, here is the definition of “satire”: the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues. *******