CLAYTON, OHIO—James Robbins, the probably apostate pastor of Clayton First Methodist Church, has refused on multiple occasions to evidence his love for Jesus by interacting with inspirational memes on Facebook.
According to Suzanne Rigsby, one of the members of First Methodist, she knew the soon-to-be-damned Robbins was “skating on thin ice with the Lord” when he refused to even “like” the inspirational meme she shared to his profile:
“It’s says it right there on the picture—plain as the cross at sunrise. If you’re not afraid to say you love Jesus, like and share. If you’re not afraid. I wasn’t afraid. I don’t know why Jim’s afraid, but it concerns me. My preacher might be a wolf in sheep’s clothing.”
Rigsby is not the only member of First Methodist concerned for Pastor Robbins’ backsliding immortal soul. A number of other congregants have also noticed his regular disregard for their Christian and inspirational memes on Facebook, even though those posts are clearly the most effective way to bring your unbelieving friends to Jesus.
“I just don’t think he’s that concerned with spreading the Gospel,” says First Methodist organist Todd Styrnes. “You know? I mean, what have you got against the cross bathed in sunbeams through the clouds, Jim? You ashamed of the cross? I’ll tell you what. Paul wasn’t. And neither am I. I am shameless, that’s what I am. I even went ahead and liked the page of the good people who make these memes. They have just dozens of ’em. I knew each one was like a bullet in God’s Gospel gun to shoot down the devil. So I shared every single one. Those Faith4Hire people are surely doing God’s work. Why can’t you be more like them, Pastor Jim?”
We contacted Pastor Robbins, whose secret life of sin will probably come to light any minute now, in order to get to the bottom of his clear tailspin toward deconversion. Robbins had very little to say in his defense, merely commenting: “I actually don’t have any idea what you’re talking about.”
A while back, I submitted this article to the Babylon Bee (basically a Christian version of The Onion). But it looks like they already had a similar idea in the pipeline: “Stone-Hearted Man Scrolls Past Jesus Meme Without Sharing It,” so they won’t be publishing my version. Which bummed me out a little bit. I thought my version had its moments, though, so I posted it here.